HATE

The last place we lived was a hell hole. Our SLUMLORD refused to fix the heater through the whole winter when I had a brand new baby and out of spite wouldn't fix the swamp cooler in the summer. This guy angers me more than any person in the whole world. When we moved out we shampooed the carpets and I busted my ass cleaning that place. That asshole didn't return one penny of our 600 dollar deposit. For months we had neighbors dealing drugs out of our shared duplex and did he do anything about it? NOT A DAMN THING. I have had to stop myself multiple times from lighting his house on fire. I think this man and his wife are the absolute scum of the earth.
I just found out this man got called to be second counselor in his bishopric. This man doesn't even deserve a temple recommend. He is the most dishonest person I have ever met. He just got into a fist fight in the church parking lot a month ago. This really shakes my testimony that such a horrible, horrible man could receive that calling. He acts so righteous on Sundays and then scams people and lies the rest of the week. He has caused so many trials in my life that I can honestly say I HATE him and his wife. I guess I have to put my faith in God that he will punish you Sione and Latai Nonu.

those blasted stirups

I hate the freakin gyno! That is the worst part of being pregnant. It is just not natural for someone to stick cold metal clamps up your whoha and then dig around in there. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! It leaves me emotionally distrubed for days after. I won't let my poor husband near me after it.

the following contains profanity...

Is there anything worse than being a insecure preteen? I have to say when I look back at my life and where I grew up I hardly recognize myself. I picked up and got the hell out of dodge when I was sixteen and never looked back. Today for some reason I pondered about people and the places of Merced.
It is hard to live down your mother's reputation with her many marriages and divorces. It was not uncommon for snooty mothers to look down on me and ask me, "What is your mother's last name now?". Snobby bitches I would love to give them an ear full now. Combine that with the fact that my mother pretty much decided I should fend for myself at twelve. I wasn't the most put together girl. I never had popular clothes. I always had to bum rides off other people. Thank goodness for the Wiens or I never would have had lunch.
Teenagers in the gospel can be brutal. If you don't fit in your out. I felt a lot of the kids my age that were LDS were clicky. I remember making an effort to hang out with church kids and hating how I felt about myself. It gave me a bitter taste for the church for a long time until I learned the Church isn't hurtful, the people in it can be.
It is funny how just writing about this makes me sad. Do you ever get over your childhood? Hopefully my kids can change the world and make a difference. I kept most of my problems inside of me. I didn't share the horrible details of my sad life. I keep wondering if those kids knew what was happening inside my house would they still treat me like I was beneath them? Or would they throw me a bone and show some sympathy to a kid who just needed a good friend?

Here's to the Boys...

My father was absent most of my life. He missed all those important moments. He never comforted me. He never built up my self esteem like a father is suppose to do. He basically just wasn't there. And for the few snapshot moments he was, he just emotionally couldn't be a father.
As I think back to all the wonderful teachers in my life there is a pattern. Most of the teachers who touched my life and showed me that they cared were male. I had some great female teachers too but my male teachers just went out of the way to show that I was important. So thank you Mr. Havel, Mr. Brown, Mr. Annenson, and the others whose names I have forgotten (pregnancy). You have no idea how much you impacted my life. I needed to know that I mattered.