sick

Last night George took Tatiana with him to 24 hour fitness and put her in the daycare there while he worked out. When they came home we started to undress her to take a bath and discovered she was naked under her pants. No pull up. As far as I know 24 hour does not change diapers or take kids to the potty they page the parent when that happens. We felt really weird about this. Why was she naked? Why wouldn't the woman watching her have told George if she had taken her to the potty? It is not like Tati could have taken the pull up off herself and put her pants back on. The sad thing is we will never really know what happened. I just pray my daughter wasn't the victim of something sick. I did call 24 hour and I am waiting for a manager to call me back. We also called the police and filed a report just in case.

Too much

I have NEVER EVER been this exhasted. I can only think about making it to the end of the day let alone this pregnancy. Why are two year olds so hard? She is so stubborn right now I feel like we are constantly fighting and I am constantly yelling at her. I have been so sick during this pregnancy. We are so cramped in this house and I cannot keep it clean. I feel like there is clutter EVERYWHERE. I am also worried that after I have this baby I will still be this exhasted. I so hope I don't get the baby blues. I have yet to get more than three good hours of sleep. ARRRRGGGH

The quest for awesomeness...

I want to be cool. I am so uncool these days. I see so many people who have something that makes them cool. I want to dress super cute, or have great hair, or have loads of money, or perfect children, or always go on super fun trips, be the best decorator for my home, or be extremely athletic and so much more. I am not too good at those things. In fact I have a hard time thinking about what I AM good at. I know I am good at being incredibly vulgarer and making people blush if I really want to. Sera you know this true....I could always one up you on raunchiness. I have had to tame that down now so that talent is bye bye. SADLY. I am pretty awesome at watching TV. I do love a good confrontation and fancy myself quick at comebacks. But what are these? WASTED TALENT.

z

I feel like when I really need people they aren't there. I am feeling very unimportant these days and underappreciated. Maybe these are pregnancy emotions? I think I am extremely loyal to those important in my life and would do anything for them. Is it too much to expect the same? I know I am a strong person but sometimes I need some help.

IDIOT

I am a very irritable person naturally. I WISH this was not a trait that I possessed but I do. The thing is now with this pregnancy and extra stress everywhere (money, pregnancy problems, two year old) I am sooooo irritable. I don't know how to control it or keep it in check. Things just annoy the hell out of me now. And unfortunately, if something is annoying or irritating me I can't just keep it to myself. I have to let it out. Poor George gets all the vent sessions, that is if I can control not actually telling the actual person who is irritating me. I can see myself getting irritated and know that it is for a ridiculous reason and I can't make it go away. Things that happened ions ago will suddenly pop up in my head and I will get so upset. How do I release this? Do I need some happy pills? Can you even take them when you are pregnant? Do I tell my OB about this? GRRR...

Universal Medicare

I am so tired of paying medical bills. They are literally going to break us! We have insurance now and we are still paying thousands of dollars out of pocket that the insurance won't cover. I am so sick of American health care. I know this isn't the popular opinion, especially in my group of friends. America need to get with it! I have heard all the arguments of the opposing opinion about lesser quality of health care but I just don't buy this crock of krap. I have family and friends in both Canada and Australia and they are very happy with the health care there. People who say they have bad health care there more than likely have never even been there! I am tired of WICKED CORRUPT companies inflating the prices of medication when they are adding fillers just to produce more product. Why should the poor not get the same attention as upper class? Communism is a bad word here but when we learn about the Celestial Kingdom...doesn't it somewhat reflect that. Perfect Ideal Communism? I realize that is taking it to a bit of an extreme. Really I am just pissed that we pay 700 a month in insurance and in the last month have paid a thousand to the dentist and the OB. How is that right? What happened to being a doctor for the sake of saving lives? Has Satan grabbed hold of all those people and told them money is more important????

Musings

Lately, I have been reflecting on all the different ways my life could have gone. It could have turned out completely different with only the slightest decision. I think back and wish I could have told some people what I really thought at the moment for better or worse. Except for my few closest friends, all of my good friends were male. I loved all the guys I worked pest control with, waitressed with, and met randomly. I had some awesome guys friends. Even some of my boyfriends were such awesome friends that I miss that friendship. As my guy friends started getting married I realized I never wanted some wife to think wrong of our friendship and slowly drifted away. When I became engaged to George I dropped all my guy friends like hot potatoes. Not that he ever asked me to. To be honest I pretty much dropped all my girl friends too. Now I miss those friendships. Sometimes I will see someone that I use to be so close with and it is sad to see how time changes everything. I am sad that I don't know what is going on with their life. That I can't laugh and joke with them like old times. I get it that most of the time co gender friendships of married people can seem inappropriate. It just makes me sad to remember how much I loved them as a person!

HATE

The last place we lived was a hell hole. Our SLUMLORD refused to fix the heater through the whole winter when I had a brand new baby and out of spite wouldn't fix the swamp cooler in the summer. This guy angers me more than any person in the whole world. When we moved out we shampooed the carpets and I busted my ass cleaning that place. That asshole didn't return one penny of our 600 dollar deposit. For months we had neighbors dealing drugs out of our shared duplex and did he do anything about it? NOT A DAMN THING. I have had to stop myself multiple times from lighting his house on fire. I think this man and his wife are the absolute scum of the earth.
I just found out this man got called to be second counselor in his bishopric. This man doesn't even deserve a temple recommend. He is the most dishonest person I have ever met. He just got into a fist fight in the church parking lot a month ago. This really shakes my testimony that such a horrible, horrible man could receive that calling. He acts so righteous on Sundays and then scams people and lies the rest of the week. He has caused so many trials in my life that I can honestly say I HATE him and his wife. I guess I have to put my faith in God that he will punish you Sione and Latai Nonu.

those blasted stirups

I hate the freakin gyno! That is the worst part of being pregnant. It is just not natural for someone to stick cold metal clamps up your whoha and then dig around in there. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! It leaves me emotionally distrubed for days after. I won't let my poor husband near me after it.

the following contains profanity...

Is there anything worse than being a insecure preteen? I have to say when I look back at my life and where I grew up I hardly recognize myself. I picked up and got the hell out of dodge when I was sixteen and never looked back. Today for some reason I pondered about people and the places of Merced.
It is hard to live down your mother's reputation with her many marriages and divorces. It was not uncommon for snooty mothers to look down on me and ask me, "What is your mother's last name now?". Snobby bitches I would love to give them an ear full now. Combine that with the fact that my mother pretty much decided I should fend for myself at twelve. I wasn't the most put together girl. I never had popular clothes. I always had to bum rides off other people. Thank goodness for the Wiens or I never would have had lunch.
Teenagers in the gospel can be brutal. If you don't fit in your out. I felt a lot of the kids my age that were LDS were clicky. I remember making an effort to hang out with church kids and hating how I felt about myself. It gave me a bitter taste for the church for a long time until I learned the Church isn't hurtful, the people in it can be.
It is funny how just writing about this makes me sad. Do you ever get over your childhood? Hopefully my kids can change the world and make a difference. I kept most of my problems inside of me. I didn't share the horrible details of my sad life. I keep wondering if those kids knew what was happening inside my house would they still treat me like I was beneath them? Or would they throw me a bone and show some sympathy to a kid who just needed a good friend?

Here's to the Boys...

My father was absent most of my life. He missed all those important moments. He never comforted me. He never built up my self esteem like a father is suppose to do. He basically just wasn't there. And for the few snapshot moments he was, he just emotionally couldn't be a father.
As I think back to all the wonderful teachers in my life there is a pattern. Most of the teachers who touched my life and showed me that they cared were male. I had some great female teachers too but my male teachers just went out of the way to show that I was important. So thank you Mr. Havel, Mr. Brown, Mr. Annenson, and the others whose names I have forgotten (pregnancy). You have no idea how much you impacted my life. I needed to know that I mattered.